Adopted.

As many of you know, I am adopted.

When I talk about my family, they aren't my blood, but they are still my family. Lately, today especially I have been thinking a lot about "family". If you know me, you know that family means a lot to me and I choose them over all.

With every year that passes and every birthday I have it becomes more and more apparent to me who really matters. My birth parents claim me when it's convienient for them. Why? Am I not good enough? What could I have possibly done in my Twenty-Four years of life to make you despise your OWN CHILD to the point where you brag about me to your friends but talk to me twice a year? I will never understand that.

You don't care. I am the outcast. I am not your favorite. But you know what? I am important too. I have feelings and I enjoy things and want to do things with my life. Does it matter to you? No.
It's something that has bothered me almost all my life but even more now. My own biological parents. The people who created me: can only acknowledge and talk to me when it's convienient for them. This is a sad reality I live in. It bothers me that I am not cared for by the people that brought me into this world. It breaks my heart and stings to my core.

When I'm going through a rough time the first people to see if I'm okay are my adoptive parents. Recently, I have been going through kind of a hard time and I told my biological parents about it and guess what? They didn't care. Not at all. They didn't even have the decency to ask me if I was alright. How are you doing? Is everything okay? What do you need? Nothing. They haven't talked to me in months which makes me wonder: am I even important to you at all?

Someday, when I have a family of my own, I will never make them feel the way I have felt most of my life. They will always know I am there for them when they need me. I won't turn my back on them and I will be involved in their lives. I will support their passions and I will be their number one fan. They will never have to wonder or doubt their importance to me.

"Family is not always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what."

While my birth parents may not be around to support me, I have a very stable connection with my "family". My "adoptive" parents always support me, constantly let me know that I am loved and are proud of the person I have become. My siblings constantly talk about their "cool older sister" to their friends and accept me as a part of their family. I couldn't have asked for a better support system or family.

So before you tell someone that if they aren't blood they aren't family, maybe think about what your words can do. The impact they can have on someone who doesn't have a "blood" family. I am human too, I want to be loved and accepted by my family just like anyone else. I do not believe that family is only blood and I never will.

Family is what you make it. My mom may not have given birth to me but she is still my mom. My parents may not have raised me since birth but they are still my parents. I may not have seen my siblings be born or been there for their early years, but they are still my siblings.

I am thankful every day for the family I do have. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have never felt as much love and support as I do from a family that is not biologically mine.

I am loved. I am doing great. I have a family that means the world to me. And most importantly: I am accepted as one of their own.


Sincerely,
I'm Adopted.

guess its stupid of me to think that someone could love me all the time, even when im not slapping a bunch of makeup on my face. thats not really real life. i work third shift and my sleep schedule is messed up. i dont feel motivated when i get up to get completely ready for work where i have nobody to impress. life is about the good done up days, but its also about those little moments you share when you both are vulnerable to eachother and can see who the other one really is. love is about falling for someone and loving their good along with their bad, not just loving one part of them. im probably alone on this.

depression floods.

For Eric.

part of a poem I found.
made me think of you.

"What Is Love
But A Word
But An Action
But A Need
But A Want
But...I Only Wish
For
A Kiss
One Kiss
From That Of Which Is
From Love
Pure
Nothing Hidden
Nothing Wanted
Nothing Taken
Nothing Gained
A Simple Gift
Of Ones Self
Is
The Most Difficult
To Share
For
Thoughts Such As These
Are Rarely Spoken
Lies
Are More
Acceptable
Than Truth
Let Me Lift My Mask
Let Me Show You
What Words Cannot
For
Words Change
But These
These Are My Eyes
Look Not Away
Look Within
And See
Love
My Love For You
There In My Eyes
We Have Chased
Butterflies
Through The Lush Sea Meadows Of Wildflowers
We Have Splashed
In The Rivers
Of Midday Sun Without Care Of Timr
We Have Shared
One Body On Horseback
Leaning Into Each Others Thoughts
With Arms Tangled
And Yet I Will Never Speak Of This
Of How
I Wish To Love You
Beyond Its Definition
Beyond What Your Heart Has Known
Beyond Anything You Have Ever Experienced"

jumbled up thoughts and emotions.

there are so many emotions just swimming around my head right now. i feel crushed, almost as if this is the end even though i know its not. on the brink of breaking down and crying for hours, you are my rock. the only stable thing in my life right now. it pains me to wonder when im going to see you again. just not knowing sucks. i never thought it was possible to care about one individual this much. i dont want recent events to hurt what we have. i dont want you to think, "fuck it" and leave. i know i want to spend forever with you and living without you would crush my soul. im serious. i dont mess around when it comes to me saying forever. whenever you catch me staring, you know what im thinking? im thinking about how lucky i am. how lucky i am to have someone who loves me for the person i am, someone who respects me and would never force something upon me, someone who cares about the little things. im thinking about how happy i am and how bad my life was until you walked into it 7 months ago. there are so many things i want to say, but that wouldnt make sense because my mind is just spinning so fast and i cannot concentrate on one thing at a time. i just want you to know how much i really do care, how im not like them, and how much i want you to stay. i love all these little things your do and i hope you never stop singing nsync to me. i hope you never stop writing me love notes. i hope you never stop smiling at me. i hope we never stop cracking jokes with eachother. most of all, i hope you never stop loving me.




"youre beautiful,

i love you."

commercials.

why i dislike valentines day.

why on earth is there a need to broadcast a million commercials or ads via tv, radio, online, billboards, retail locations, etc for one day. why do you need just one day to "express" how much you "love" or "care" for someone by buying them expensive things they dont need and you dont have the money for.
valentines day is stressful. say you do get your significant other something. what if they hate it? theres always that split second you can read someones face even if they try to hide their true feelings.
what if you get your other something you think they want, but they wanted something else more which just leads to disappointment. i feel as if girls just expect jewelry. not me. im not a huge fan, maybe its because of my quirky personality, but im just not really into expensive or fancy jewelry.
now on to the commercials. every single commercial i hear says something along the lines of, "show how much you care by spending a bajillion dollars on this item" or "really express your love by". YOU KIDDING? last time i checked love is not measured by money or physical items. these commercials are pretty much telling me that i cant care for someone without having to buy something for them on this one specific day. valentines day is so blown out of proportion. there are 365 days in a year. why cant i show someone how much i care each and every one of those days?
im a home body. id rather sit inside and spend time with someone i care about doing things we normally do rather than go out, have to deal with rude waiters/waitresses/employees at whatever fancy and expensive restaurant we end up going to.
valentines day just doesnt make sense to me. make me a card, paint me a picture, give me a hug, but dont you dare spend money on me because while I may be worth it, I dont need materialistic things to prove someone cares about me.

/endrant.

I already have everything I want. I dont need anything else.

confessions.

in life, there will always be those moments. the moments you live for. the moments that you would give anything to be able to freeze time for and live in them forever. my life has been full of these moments lately.

when you meet people, at that moment, you never know how they are going to impact your life.

i could not ask for better moments than the ones i have while im with you. i notice the little things. the way you smile at me from across the room. the way you always embrace me fully when i hug you. the way you never let go while we are cuddling. the way your heart sounds while im laying next to you. how when you kiss my forehead it always makes my heart race. these moments are the ones i live for,

 the ones i would give anything for, and the ones i never want to forget.

i thought i knew what love was, i really did. its something my soul craves. i have never felt the way i feel about you towards anyone else. im the happiest i have ever been in my entire life since you walked into it. its clear to me that you were brought into my life to teach me what love really is. you have opened my guarded heart. this is something i have always searched for, i think even when i did not know what i was looking for. you, are the one i want to be with. i can see you in my life for a very long time, so i dont want to mess this up. you are my person. the one id give anything for. please dont leave.

is it possible that i may already be in love with you?

are words real.

if i had all the words in the world
i could tell you.

tell you how i feel.
actually feel.

i would have the answers
to all the questions
that float around your head at night.

i could always comfort you
in your time of need.

if i had all the words in the world
i would know what to say.

if i had all the words in the world,
i would be able to say, "i love you."

pain, aware, lonliness.
thing used to be simple.
things used to work.
I just want to be worth it.
worth all the words you say,
worth the time and effort.
maybe ill never be good for anyone.
im starting to think maybe I was meant to be alone.
maybe I wasnt meant to experience Love.
maybe I wasnt meant to make anyone happy.

maybe.
that could be the plan for me.
things are so clear to me, yet im lost on this path.

"dont be bitter."

little things.

watching clouds at night, telling eachother what we imagine they look like.
the moment you walk in the door and they run to you open armed, both saying how much they love you.
getting kissed on the forehead.
window shopping.
taking long hikes with beautiful scenery and an awesome payoff at the end.
exchanging friendly sentiments.
being a fashion major.
when his clothes smell like clean laundry, my favorite scent.
just knowing.
putting together something beautiful and getting recognition.
long haired, chubby and cuddly cats.
when certain things bug you, but they dont bug you when its the right person doing it.
taking your hair down after wearing it up all day and it still smells like your shampoo.
tight hugs and hand squeezes.
guys in stripes.
feeling good enough.
going all out crazy at concerts.
feeling free, even for just one night.
friendship bonds that will last years and overcome distance.
a family that, by blood, is not your own, but claim you as a part of them.
small towns and farmland.
overcoming difficult life trials and becoming a stronger person.
being independant.
being loved.
getting discounts at your favorite place to shop.
people who arent afraid of showing you who they are or showing real emotions.
treehouses.
pretending magic is real.
smelling good.
night owls.
remembering things, events, and people that made you happy at a point and just thinking of all those good memories on your worst days.


trust me, its the little things in life that get us through.

sick of.

Im sick of feeling this way. Im sick of doctors prescribing medications that are supposed to make things better, but just make everything 10x worse. Im sick of being alone. Lonely. Im sick of being complacent. Im sick of being the strong one. Im sick of people thinking they know what is best for me. Im sick of people giving me grief for moving back home then constantly asking what im going to do with my life in wisconsin. Im sick of thinking about the feeling, love.  Im sick of people pretending it exists. Im sick of sharing secrets, hopes, dreams, aspirations, opening my heart, trusting people, all for it to eventually mean nothing. Im sick of lies. Im sick of broken promises. Im sick of being so overwhelmed that I just lay in bed and cry most nights. Im sick of being a worrier. Even when things are good I cant stop worrying. Im sick of being scared to move cross country again. Im sick of the way snow forms little snowballs on the bottom of my shoes while im walking. Im sick of dirty looks. Im sick of wondering if im making the right life choices. Im sick of being lost. Im sick of people thinking their opinions mean so much more than mine. Im sick of people degrading me for being passionate about the things I love.Im sick of anxiety. Im sick of judgement. Im sick of working. Im sick of living. Im just sick of this.

where is she.

the other day i found three entire notebooks full of writing.
hopes, dreams, aspirations, songs i had written long ago
and forgot about. what happened to that girl?

riches.

When people find out that my "family" is decently "well off" they never understand why I get pissed when they ask me why I dont ask them for money if I need it. Ever since I was a child, all I can remember is that I was severely independant. This carried on through middle school, high school, and even now into my adult days. I dont ask people for money, food, help, etc even if it would benefit me greatly. Im an independant young adult and on top of that, im a woman. Im stubborn and do things my own way. It annoys me when other people my age or even younger rely soley on their parents to continue to support them after they move out. I have been supporting myself since I moved out of my parents house at 18. Ive paid my rent, phone bill, doctors bills, utility bills, student loans and anything else on my own. My parents support my decisions and life choices 100% and are there for me if I need something. I know I can always call them up if im having a rough time or need help with something difficult in my life. That being said, I dont take advantage of their support. My parents have a decent amount of money, yes. Would I ever ask them for money? Probably never. I will never understand the people around here that are pretty much being paid to party, hang with friends, and do whatever else they want because since their parents will pay for everything, they dont have to worry about responsibility. It is not my parents responsibility to worry about my expenses, its my own. Im just not hung up on all the materialistic things in life. My life is benefited by the people I choose to surround myself with and the choices I make. Money is important and neccessary, but I can support myself.

/endrant.

jibberish.

this is the best thing ive ever done. really happy.
if this was a contest, you would have already won.
"I can just tell. you light up whenever you talk about [it].“
ecstatic. overjoyed. bliss. realism. content. life.

if anyone knows what this means, you are a winner.

4AM.

a familiar time where everything is still. lying in this bed thats too big for single occupancy. the time where I think most. I should be asleep, but im wide awake with thoughts of you. stuck in replays of past memories. faint sounds of cars passing on the freeway snap me back to reality. I roll over to the cool side, youre not here. the time where I feel most alone, 4am. your arms wrapped around me, the feel of your cool skin, your lips caressng mine. id give anything to be back in those memories. you should be here, id gladly let you stay forever. a lot of these feelings are new to me. I havent worried as much lately, just taking things as they come. the one person ive never felt nervous around. as my thoughts wander on, my homesickness grows deeper. theres always a huge missing chunk of my heart while im away. im definitely a home girl, I should have never left. on the other hand, I wouldnt have gone through some major life lessons and learned from past mistakes if I wouldve stayed. I doubt I would have ever met you and I doubt id be at the same point in my life I am now. sometimes I dont know why or how, but im starting to believe in everything happening for a reason. im surrounded by the right people and ive never been happier. I cant wait for new adventures in my life, but for now I cant help but feel alone. alone, lonely, sad. we want the same things, I just hate being away from you. I miss you.

"Ill be waiting."

support.

There comes a time in your life where you have to make a decision. Which fork in the road are you going to take, or are you just going to stay where you are. I could just stand here watching everyone around me pass me by, while im just stuck in the same old spot never moving forward. Ive made the decision. Ive chosen a path to go down and im not turning back. I need to let go of all my worries about what is going to happen and what other people are going to think. When it comes down to it, I need to do whats best for me. if youre on board, good. If you dont support me then you need to cut yourself from my life. At a time where im making the second biggest life decision ive made since 18, I dont need people around that are going to degrade me and try to bring me down because theyre selfish. You dont have to agree with my opinions or actions, you dont need to understand why. I just need your support. If i dont have that, I have support from plenty of other sources that have been there for me through a lot of hardship in my life. Im sick of my life being at a standstill. The only person who can change that is me. Im taking control of my life and finding happiness. For that, I am proud.

understanding.

I know it may be hard to understand whats going on in my life when you simply are not me. Im unhappy. Ive been unhappy for months. My life is currently dragging. When your life is headed in one direction then abruptly forced in another, unwanted direction it makes you question everything. Why is this happening, what am I doing, why am I here If im so obviously unhappy. You may not comprehend the decisions im making or have made, but if you are a part of my life and we are as close as you say or think we are, I only need your support. It may make multiple people angry, the decisions ive made, but theres no reason for it. Im unhappy and im trying to better my life. Its not really anyone elses decision besides mine. If you try to threaten me based on decisions im making or have made, dont be surprised when i cut your toxicity out of my life. In a year from now you wont even remember how this affected you. Im bettering my life so I can have a more fulfilling existance. Im choosing happiness. I just hope you can understand.

lost.

I know im young, but I feel like there comes a time in everybodys life where you find the person you want to be with. The one you want to spend your life with. The one you feel the most comfortable around and feels like youve known them for ages, even when you havent. Ive never felt like this before. I dont think ive ever been this happy around someone. But maybe thats all it is. Maybe its not meant to be anything more. Maybe im destined to be alone for the rest of my life. My life is always filled with 'what ifs'. I always just feel so lost. I would never leave. I would never shatter your heart to pieces. I wish I could trust 100%, "im not going anywhere." Maybe im not good enough. Thats probably it. Im never good enough.   I just want to be held in your arms forever. im young. Im lost. I dont know if I can be alone forever. I want you. you and only you.

crunching aluminum.

sometimes people hurt you. sometimes they are aware of it, sometimes they arent.

i would never tell you, not now. its hard to explain how your heart feels like its shattering

in a million tiny pieces without making someone feel horrible. i dont know why i feel this way. i need to be less emotional.

i need to bottle that shit up and hide it away from the world for all eternity. sometimes once your hardened exterior has been broken, its hard to feel safe again. all i feel is vulnerability. when did i get like this. what ever happened to me. i used to be able to keep my feelings in check. i was proud of the fact that things didnt get to me and no matter how hard people tried, i would never feel "hurt." if letting people in is just going to lead to shattered pieces lying on the ground waiting to be swept up, why would anyone willingly go through that. there are some things i dont understand. maybe i will never understand. there must be more to life than an empty void and feeling alone.

"april, never let a man determine your happiness."

explanations.

questions always being asked. sometimes we dont always have the answer.
sometimes i just feel lost. destined to be a floater for my eternity. what is
real, what isnt real? is this going to work or am i wasting time. all those
questions, curious eyes staring. i never have the answers. not the answers
they want. onlookers seem to think this is some sort of perfect life.
constantly ask others around me, what am i doing with my life? what am i
to do with my life? the replies are always the same. you should be proud
of the person you have become. you have come a long way. you do so 
much for yourself and others. you are independent, you should be proud.
i have done nothing with my life. im on my way to being another year older
and yet nothing has been accomplished. i feel as if these are the years of my
life where im supposed to be figuring my life out. figuring out who i am as a
person. my mentality is stuck in my fifteen year old version of myself. never
moving forward, always stuck frozen in time. i dont owe you anything.

why am i here.

a letter to you.

Dear you,

Hello there. I just wanted to write you and tell you how im feeling. I feel as if I miss you, when in my opinion that wouldnt be possible. I just want you to know how much I care about you in all aspects of life. I want you to be happy and I would spend my time on this earth making sure it happened. I want you in my life. As of now I wouldnt be able to imagine my life without you in it. Im senimental, over the top, and dramatic. I usually always get ahead of myself, but weve come this far so I might as well finish. These are all the things I wouldnt be brave enough to say to to your face. Its no secret I want you. Youre everything ive been searching for, been waiting for. I'll be there through everything, the laughs, the smiles, the tears, heartache, everything. I would never leave, unless you simply asked me to go. I want to make up stories with you about things that would probably never happen. I want to stay up all hours of the night by your side. I want to wrap you up in my arms and hold you for possibly, ever. I would be content laying next to you in silence for the next fifty years. No materialistic thing would matter if I got to spend my days around you. I want to be your reason for smiling. I want you to trust me. Even if you never read this and even if I wrote this for nothing, these are all the things I want you to know. Please dont ever leave.

embarrassment.

Events happening beyond your control. Worst feeling that could wash over your body. Every time you are reminded, constant waves of guilt pouring out. Theres only time before its in the open. Being the center of attention, everyone staring. Judging eyes sweep over you as if youre invisible.
Wishing you could change this feeling.

social anxiety.

Someone is talking to you, a stranger, youre having a good conversation. In your head you come up with all the smooth responses and know what to say to keep the conversation progressing. You instead stop responding, bringing an end to the conversation, leading to you walking away. You would rather email someone in a professional setting whether it be a company, school, work situation, than call and have to talk to them on the  phone. You almost always send phone calls to voicemail. You have other people order for you in a resturant setting, especially if you feel uncomfortable. Where sitting at home watching a movie alone is your ideal friday night. When around new people you sit silently and just listen to their voice, or other conversations around, for hours. You would rather hang out with one friend than a group of friends because you wouldnt know what to say. Youve been living your whole life with social anxiety. You like to be alone because at least then you wont embarrass your self.

honesty, from an unorganized mind.

Im a terribly honest and blunt person and Im using this as my outlet.
My ramblings will probably make no sense to you.
You dont have to try and understand me.

These past days have been unbelievable. I used to know the answer to every question someone could ask me about my life, now im not so sure. Im not sure whats going to happen next week, next month, or even 3 months from now. I usually always have a plan. I no longer feel safe, useful, or even intelligent. I have been racking my brain trying to figure everything out and have come up with nothing. Im lost. I can be in a room full of people that I love and that care about me and feel totally alone.
I hate feeling negatively towards things that bring me joy, or used to. Im so far away and I hate feeling like this.
I dont want to wait. Waiting around for things to happen brings me anxiety and just stresses me out. Like I said I like having a plan for almost everything. When I have to coast throughout my life without one, I just dont know what to do with myself.
I want to be around you now. I want your hand in mine and your arms around me. Something so great has come into my life, but jokes on me. Certain things arent possible at this point in time and it drives me crazy. At times I have been known to be terribly impatient, especially when it comes to something I want. I dont know how to maintain a friendship that has barely started for a long period of time when its not possible to be around them. I know im probably just annoying. I dont want to mess things up and I want to be worth it to somebody. Worth the wait, the distance, the time. I dont expect somebody to put their life on pause for me. Maybe im getting ahead of myself.
Things have gotten out of control. I hope I find peace soon with everything that has been put on my plate.

This shit doesnt make sense.
Sigh.

some days.

Some days I feel like giving up. Ill be having a totally perfect day and then it feels like one little thing can ruin it. it should not be that easy. I shouldn't want to give up. There are certain types of people in this world I don't understand. 1.) People that take advantage of others, especially when the people are their "friends". Maybe this I don't understand because I would never be one of those people. I would never mistreat or take advantage of someone I care about. 2.) People who degrade others. We should not be bringing eachother down. We should be working together to make the world a better and happier place. Theres no need for bragging, putting others down, or going out of our way to make sure someone has a bad day. Be friendly, smile, give a compliment. Im not implying that we need to be friends with everyone we meet, but friendliness goes a long way.

Lies.

There are a lot of things I dont understand. Maybe it was the way I was raised. I find it unneccessary to lie, steal, cheat. Especially lie. Why do we lie? For fear of being shunned for our actual beliefs or opinions? Maybe its out of fear. Maybe we spin webs of lies for attention. Everyone wants to be accepted, I understand that. More times than not if youre honest, in the end you will come out on top. When I was a sophomore in high school I had this best friend. We did everything together and had literally been inseperable since meeting three years previous. One day we planned on going to her house after school and having a sleepover. It was the weekend afterall. we talked about it earlier in the day and she told me she would have to ask permission. Later on she had told me her mom had said no. She told another close friend of ours that she didnt actually want to ask so she just told me no. Being 15 year old girls, of course this blew up into some big drama.  At lunch break I had asked her why she lied to me. As soon as she answered it was like she was an entirely different person. What had I done to deserve these harsh words? She told me I was annoying her and she didnt ask because she didnt want me to come over at all. I understand these feelings. I mean we did spend a lot of time together. Was lying the answer? I would hope not. Why do people lie? Lies ruin friendships, fanily relations, relationships, credibility, and trust. While it may not have been as huge of a deal as it was at the time, I still took it seriously. My feelings were hurt and I didnt know how to handle it. This friendship was lost for about two years. We didnt talk. We were no longer friends. We were horrible to one another for two straight years. Looking back now we could have just worked things out. We were immature at the time and not ready to handle things  in a proper way. One lie. Thats all it takes. Im not saying I have nver lied before because I have. In fact I used to all the time because it seemed  lot easier than being honest. I grew up and moved on. Im not that person I once was. When I was 15 I fell in love. Its not something I regret but I wish I wouldnt have been so naive. I believed this person was my soulmate. I believed all the lies. I believed him when he said he was sorry. When he cheated and said itd never happen again. When he said he only wanted me and it was a mistake. When it happened over and over and over again, why did I believe him? I believed it would never happen again. why do people lie? For fear of losing the people they care about? I understand the motive behind the lies. Why lie though? It took my best friend telling me rather than him. He hid it from me for a long time, but why? why did I keep falling for the lies and believing him over others I had known and trusted my whole life. It took me about three years to realize that it wasnt love anymore. Someone that claimed they loved me should have been there for me, supported My dreams, and loved me unconditionally not just when it was convienient. Not a day goes by where I dont remember what heartbreak feels like. Its something I never want to experience again. I would never wish it upon even my worst enemy. The state of constantly feeling vulnerable, worthless, and insecure. Im not saying I was perfect of even that im perfect now because I have never been. Nobody is. Flaws add to beauty in my opinion. Im sure I have dealt my fair share of breaking hearts and pain. Im not that person anymore. You broke my walls and made me feel again. If I were to be thankful for anything from knowing you the past 6 years it would be that. Im not sure who I would be today if I had never experienced some of the things i had at a young age.
There was a time in my life where I was empty. I was in a dark place. I dont ever remember being happy during this time. I blamed a lot of what was going on on people around me. I was cruel, alone, and depressed. I tried hiding it a tough exterior when the truth was I was hurting inside. I let nobody in so I wouldnt get hurt. I never want to return to that stage of my life, but I feel myself slipping. Slipping back into the dark. There is a lot I dont understand. A lot I blame myself for. I just want to be happy. I want to forget about the those who have done me wrong. I want to forgive them and  move on. I want to live in the present to be able to have a good future.
Im afraid of being hurt.

You always fall for the most unexpected person

at the most unexpected time and sometimes

for the most unexpected reason.

game.

the moment in your life where you are the  happiest  you ever remember yourself  being.  something spectacular has come into your life just at the right moment. feelings of excitement, worry, anticipation. time could not move more slowly even if you took all the batteries out of the clocks. wearing your heart on your sleeve has only brought you heartache in  the past. is  it too soon? will i be good enough? am i going to embarrass myself? diving in without knowing what is going to happen. longing for those feelings of belonging. just missing having someone to talk to, hold  hands  with, whisper secrets to. i don't want all those words to mean nothing. worry over what will actually happen. trusting your heart knows what is right. knowing you will be accepted for who you really are. time. time. time. time. a long, long time to wait. it is a long time, but it will be worth it. worth the wait to accept something good into my life. something i wouldn't want to change.

 happiness.

facts.

• I may have a severe addiction to hand holding.
• I don't like crusty eggs.
• No pickles, ever, please.
• I dance in the shower.
• I like to laugh.
• I thoroughly enjoy tofu.
• I have only one weakness  when it comes to the opposite sex.
• Instead of listening to scary music when I am sad, I like to listen to it when im happy.
• Shy-ish.
• Contrary to popular belief, I am not Hispanic.
• I tend to over think, over worry, and over stress about mostly everything.
• Uncomfortable most of the time.
• Im extremely honest, blunt, and forward.
• Most first impressions of me: Mean, weird, quiet, mean.
• I notice all the little things.
• Cats, cats, and more cats. If you don't  agree with this statement, you can exit your browser now.
• "Adopted".
• I cry whenever I see someone else crying.
• I am awkward.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”  

 

-Bob Marley

humans never change.

so you would think that after someone loses something in their life because of certain reasons they would change what made it happen in the first place. glad to know I made the correct decision, thanks for confirming .

"you seem a lot happier since your  breakup and your move into your new apartment. im not sure which one it was or if it was the combination, but you are a lot happier now."
"thanks."

clock tick.

always alone.

awake.

one of those days.
you swear you woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
why? why again?

medicine bottles, lie on the floor.
longing for attention.

don't like  feeling empty.
sometimes empty is better than this.

decisions.
why do I feel broken?

I don't understand...

beyond happy.

new.

no time to be sad.
you came into my life at just the right moment.

dont mind if i do.

me: I like video games. I grew up on Diablo.
you: OMG. You like Diablo! Omg. I love you.


best day ever.

I never do that kind of thing.

but so glad I did...



worries.

how do we know were making the right decisions in life?
I could be doing things I really want to be doing,  but does that make it right for me?
I've always struggled with this question, especially since high school.
I want to do this, this, and this, but is it really right for me?
What is my purpose throughout my life?

I guess if you're doing what makes you happy then essentially its right for you.
Ill just do what my heart desires and go from there.

Confusing.



butterflies.

grinning ear to ear.
meaningful conversations.
I haven't felt like this since high school.

freedom. safety. not a care in the world.
sense of belonging.
friendship.

real people exist.
maybe getting my hopes up..
you make me feel...

October.

aware.

what if I disappear?

reading.

you mean something.

pieces.

I once thought I knew what love was. I didn't. I still don't.
Pieces of my broken heart, just on the floor.

I don't except anyone to pick them up and put them back together.
I really don't.

I used to think I knew what I wanted.
Not  anymore.

If only these deep brown eyes could peer into your soul.
Then I would know.


Know for sure.

longing.

The one thing I have not truly experienced in my life is what I want to experience the most.
I've been in love before, or so I thought. I've made plans to spend the rest of my life with certain individuals on two separate occasions, both of which didn't work. Why? I think the common denominator is myself. In a roundabout way I've been told multiple things by men who said they loved me.

"You're not pretty enough." "You're not skinny enough." "You're too shy." "You're too high-strung."  "You aren't perfect enough." 

I really don't understand what I do wrong or what I don't do right. I completely give myself, time, energy, my heart, life to them and then suddenly one day its not good enough. Will I ever be loved romantically by another? I mean real romance, the kind you only seem to read about in novels.

 

The point is, I want that kind of love that people cant live without. I want to be the girl that you wake up next to in the morning and love everything about. I want that crazy passion filled love where being with you makes everything perfect. The kind of passion where we make  love everyday, consistently support eachother, and never doubt the love we have for eachother for a second.

 

For 21 years ive been told im not good enough. Does the cycle ever end? Will I ever succeed?

Maybe I do need to become prettier, or skinnier, or more successful  in life to find what Im really looking for.

 

Maybe my expectations are too high. I may never find someone that truly completes me and is willing to love me unconditionally.

 

 

 

Will I ever be good enough?

Is it too much to ask for?

Does real love exist?



november 7th, 2011. more thoughts from my worried mind.

this year has gone by...fast.

its already november and sometimes i think about this past year and think, "where has the year gone?"
i moved to utah almost 1 year ago and i work, sleep, play, all the normal stuff. i have a good life...

so why do i feel like i'm not doing anything? maybe its just me, sometimes my brain gets way too out of hand with thinking...or worrying.

i am sure everything will fall into place eventually.
i mean, i have a great life. i have a loving family, and good friends in many locations.
i'm a good person. i try to be the best version of myself that i can be everyday.
i'm nice, i care about people, i'm a good listener, i'm sweet, i try not to judge, and i love.

i have so many things and people in my life to be grateful for. they all bring out the best
in me and makes me see that i am a good person...and that i am worth it.



some people may think that i am a horrible person, but those are the people that just do not know me in the way they think they do. i have been through a lot...and almost none of those challenging experiences i talk about. i'm usually just a very private person trusting few people throughout my life and with good reason.

i knew i was some sort of a good person, but i never fully believed it until someone who is very genuine and honest told me themselves.

some things in life i will never understand fully..and somethings i have no control over, but i do have control over myself, my thoughts and actions..nobody elses.

so thats all i can do, be the best person i can be and not worry about others out there who just try to bring me down.


i'm a very lucky individual who is loved and has many people who care about me,
and for that, i am grateful.

this is...utah.

so, its almost the end of january and it feels like forever since i've seen my absolutely adorable family in the flesh. i moved to utah right after christmas. i moved into a cute little apartment with 8 girls total, which let me tell you it is definitely my cup of cocoa...(not.)

Utah is GORGEOUS. One thing i for sure don't miss about Wisconsin is the miles and miles of flat farmland. Now everywhere I look...there's mountains! The prettiest site I have seen besides the dang awesome sunsets we get is the Provo temple at night driving from Orem to Provo. All the lights of all the buildings in the black then its like...BAM! Gorgeous white temple. Its awesome. I will someday get a picture to explain more clearly what I'm talking about.

All in all Orem is pretty decent. Nice people, enough fun things to do, cute guys, etc. I'm doing pretty alright besides being homesick almost 24/7. It has gotten a tad better in the past week or two, but I still miss them like CRAZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Well, hope all is well. I'm out, xoxo.

Glee, Season 1.

So my mom and I wanted to find out what the Glee hype was about.
I watched the first 6 episodes today, and while I will agree the plot line
is absolutely ridiculous, I'm hooked. Not because of the show itself, but
the music. Glee has reminded me of something I forgot awhile ago.
Glee has reminded me how much I actually love singing.

Lately, I've been to preoccupied to keep up with singing and stuff
now that I'm out of school and its not required of me an hour a day.
I have to say, I miss it. I just want to go in an empty room with a
stereo, put on some beats, and belt it..only because I can.
Singing awakens my soul, that may sound dumb; I don't care.

I'm sick of living day to day lately, not really knowing my place.
Little by little, it has been becoming more clear to me though.
I've decided to move to Provo, Utah for school. I'm going to be
attending Utah Valley University in January. This is just the beginning
of an awesome life for me and I'm really excited!

Anyway, lately I've been thinking a lot about my future. I feel as if
I don't offer anyone anything. I have no talents, no passions, and nothing
to look forward to in physical appearance. I want to be passionate about
something again. I have friends who are all so passionate and know what
they want to do in life and such. I don't have that. I feel as if, when the time comes...
when I'm ready to get married, nobody will want to marry me.
I have no passion, nothing. The one thing I know I stand for are my beliefs
in the church. Compared to three years ago, I would have never thought
I would be where I am today. I'm really a much happier person now
that I have the gospel in my life. I remember how I was before. I wasn't
fun to be around and I hated everyone and everything. Yeah, life has
its good times and its not so good times, but overall, it is still wonderful.




I just want to be talented and passionate about those talents, like everyone else I know.
I hope I can find something to be good at. I want to be loved for who I am.

Giving.

So, I decided to delete all my past posts and start over fresh.
This is just what I needed.

This blog is simply about my life and trying to find my way.
I'm in the part of life right now where each decision seems to
hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don't want
to disappoint anyone, make anyone's life miserable, or hurt
anyone I know.

So in this blog I will simply write about my life's happenings
and the decisions I make.

I believe in and stand for a lot. I have high standards of myself
and if you don't like or agree with that, I don't need you in my
life. I've had enough people in my life try to compromise what
I truly believe in. People that said they were my friend, people
that said they loved me. If you were truly my friend and cared,
you wouldn't have tried to change me.

I don't change what I believe in to convenience those around me.
I'm proud of what I know to be true and what I stand for.