Lies.

There are a lot of things I dont understand. Maybe it was the way I was raised. I find it unneccessary to lie, steal, cheat. Especially lie. Why do we lie? For fear of being shunned for our actual beliefs or opinions? Maybe its out of fear. Maybe we spin webs of lies for attention. Everyone wants to be accepted, I understand that. More times than not if youre honest, in the end you will come out on top. When I was a sophomore in high school I had this best friend. We did everything together and had literally been inseperable since meeting three years previous. One day we planned on going to her house after school and having a sleepover. It was the weekend afterall. we talked about it earlier in the day and she told me she would have to ask permission. Later on she had told me her mom had said no. She told another close friend of ours that she didnt actually want to ask so she just told me no. Being 15 year old girls, of course this blew up into some big drama.  At lunch break I had asked her why she lied to me. As soon as she answered it was like she was an entirely different person. What had I done to deserve these harsh words? She told me I was annoying her and she didnt ask because she didnt want me to come over at all. I understand these feelings. I mean we did spend a lot of time together. Was lying the answer? I would hope not. Why do people lie? Lies ruin friendships, fanily relations, relationships, credibility, and trust. While it may not have been as huge of a deal as it was at the time, I still took it seriously. My feelings were hurt and I didnt know how to handle it. This friendship was lost for about two years. We didnt talk. We were no longer friends. We were horrible to one another for two straight years. Looking back now we could have just worked things out. We were immature at the time and not ready to handle things  in a proper way. One lie. Thats all it takes. Im not saying I have nver lied before because I have. In fact I used to all the time because it seemed  lot easier than being honest. I grew up and moved on. Im not that person I once was. When I was 15 I fell in love. Its not something I regret but I wish I wouldnt have been so naive. I believed this person was my soulmate. I believed all the lies. I believed him when he said he was sorry. When he cheated and said itd never happen again. When he said he only wanted me and it was a mistake. When it happened over and over and over again, why did I believe him? I believed it would never happen again. why do people lie? For fear of losing the people they care about? I understand the motive behind the lies. Why lie though? It took my best friend telling me rather than him. He hid it from me for a long time, but why? why did I keep falling for the lies and believing him over others I had known and trusted my whole life. It took me about three years to realize that it wasnt love anymore. Someone that claimed they loved me should have been there for me, supported My dreams, and loved me unconditionally not just when it was convienient. Not a day goes by where I dont remember what heartbreak feels like. Its something I never want to experience again. I would never wish it upon even my worst enemy. The state of constantly feeling vulnerable, worthless, and insecure. Im not saying I was perfect of even that im perfect now because I have never been. Nobody is. Flaws add to beauty in my opinion. Im sure I have dealt my fair share of breaking hearts and pain. Im not that person anymore. You broke my walls and made me feel again. If I were to be thankful for anything from knowing you the past 6 years it would be that. Im not sure who I would be today if I had never experienced some of the things i had at a young age.
There was a time in my life where I was empty. I was in a dark place. I dont ever remember being happy during this time. I blamed a lot of what was going on on people around me. I was cruel, alone, and depressed. I tried hiding it a tough exterior when the truth was I was hurting inside. I let nobody in so I wouldnt get hurt. I never want to return to that stage of my life, but I feel myself slipping. Slipping back into the dark. There is a lot I dont understand. A lot I blame myself for. I just want to be happy. I want to forget about the those who have done me wrong. I want to forgive them and  move on. I want to live in the present to be able to have a good future.
Im afraid of being hurt.